This May Be My First Holiday Letter!

Tis the season to be jolly, so that is where this is going. I'm getting excited about the holidays. The house is decorated, and the Christmas tree is up. Somewhere, there are chestnuts roasting on an open fire and tiny tots with their eyes all aglow from leftover Halloween candy. What an exciting time!

The holiday cards are starting to fill our mailbox, allowing me to catch up on births and marriages, new addresses, and new grandchildren. This time of year is where we glean the real skinny on how friends are doing via the traditional Holiday Letter.

I have never been one to write a holiday letter, and in keeping with that tradition, I will not attempt to do that here. If I did write the holiday letter, I would limit its contents to my accomplishments during the past year. Such as:

I have successfully fulfilled my New Year’s Resolution to gain weight, whereby I have enjoyed mass quantities of carbohydrates, fat, and sugar. This has led to many growth experiences, including my waist size and the number of holes that I utilize on my belt.
I have become a political activist over the past 12 months, as my “Free the Glutens” campaign has been adopted by many, many consumer products companies.
My travels have taken me to many interesting places over the course of the past 12 months. In particular, I've enjoyed my trips to CVS and Walgreens. Each visit has taken me to exotic, tropical places, such as “The Aisle of Sinus Medicine.”
I am pleased that I have nearly doubled the number of pills that I ingest daily – a further sign of my commitment to personal growth and the pursuit of physical perfection, as well as my support of Big Pharma.
Finally, I am hosting a “Creditors Summit” in January so everyone who sends me a bill can meet and get to know each other better. This will help combat loneliness, as these people call me nearly every day. If I can get each of my creditors to Venmo one another and call each other instead of me, it will free up a lot of my time, heighten my Holiday Cheer, and pay for my gift-giving!

That's it for now. Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, have a Blessed Kwanzaa – let’s all cherish the time with family and celebrate our respective “Reason for the Season”!

Meanwhile, I am going to start thinking about my bold, audacious goals for 2024, so I can have even more amazing feats and accomplishments to tell you about next year!