Rich Perkey's Best Ever Commencement Speech
Good morning! I hope you are well.
Oops! I take back that last sentence. I am not hoping you are well. To be accurate, I am sitting at my desk, pondering what I am going to write about for this week’s addition of “Thoughts for the Week”!
I am writing this as a very proud father, coming off of the high of the pomp and pageantry of the 269th commencement ceremony of Columbia University, where my daughter, Mary Brooks, received her Master of Science in Social Work, with a concentration in Advanced Clinical Practice. I am so proud of her, and excited for the good she will do, the pain she will relieve, and the hope she will restore.
Mary Brooks’ academic successes at Columbia University and Wake Forest University are further proof that intellect is passed down through the mother.
Having sat through an impressive commencement address given by Columbia University President Lee Bollinger, I realize that I need to be prepared in the event that I am asked to give a commencement speech. Thus, what follows is “Rich Perkey’s Timeless Commencement Address”, which you can use if you are asked to give a commencement speech in front of thousands of people at a moment's notice:
Good (a. Morning; b. Afternoon; c. Evening), my name is ______ ______, and I have the (a. distinct honor; b. chore; 3. pain in the ass) of delivering the commencement speech here at (a. ______ Elementary School; b. ______ High School; c. ______ College; d.______ University; e. Babble/Duolingo/Rosetta Stone).
Know that I understand how critical my comments will be in shaping the arc of your life, your hobbies, and your choice of Tall, Grandé or Vente at Starbucks. For we all know how confusing and muddled knowledge is, and that our world will seek to make money off of that confusion. When “Tall” is the shortest of the three cups, and “Grandé” is medium, and Vente means “20 fluid ounces”, who the hell knows what to order in life?
I just want to encourage you to pick one, any one of those choices, and get on with it. Try and avoid artificial sweeteners if at all possible. Because we all know that behind every artificial sweetener is a Nicholas Sparks novel and that you will never, ever get the saccharine taste out of your mouth.
Each of you will soon be graduates, except for those of you who failed to return library books to Dr. Beatty, our trusty, beloved librarian, or those of you who achieved a 4.0 grade point average but failed to complete your Physical Education requirements. Know that the world conspires to put these inane stipulations in place as a reminder that much of life is ridiculous, nonsensical, unfair, and nonlinear. Hey, all of that’s okay, because you are living in the moment, in the “here and now”. “Here and now” is an infinitesimally small blip of time, where nothing is ridiculous, nonsensical, unfair, or nonlinear.
Yet, if you have been listening to my pearls of wisdom, you have thus far consumed approximately three minutes of your life, and what do you have to show for it?
Nothing.
My epic commencement address is designed to provide you with a preview of the future of network television, such that all of it will be one big “Seinfeld” episode, all about . . .
Nothing.
It is not by coincidence that the word “graduate” and the word “gradual” share the same Latin root word, “grad”, which is Latin for “step”.
For, as a graduate of this (a. ______ Elementary School; b. ______ High School; c. ______ College; d.______ University; e. Babble/Duolingo/Rosetta Stone), you will gradually step in it, throughout the course of your meager, debt-filled, debt-fueled existence.
And when you step in “it”, remember that you should separate the “Sh” from the “it” of that word. Not that you will be able to fall back on the lessons that you have learned from this fine (a. ______ Elementary School; b. ______ High School; c. ______ College; d.______ University; e. Babble/Duolingo/Rosetta Stone) in order to know what to do when you step in it, because all of your notes are going to be illegible and stored in a notebook kept in your parents’ basement. Likewise, you will wipe out any notes you had from your classes here when you upgrade your computer.
Just remember that of all the lessons you learned during your time here, the most important thing you will take away from this august place (despite the fact that we are still in the month of May) is …
Nothing.
Nothing is important in life. You came into the world with nothing, and for all that we know, you leave the world with nothing. So if you know nothing, you will definitely know something, which may or may not be better than knowing nothing.
For many of you, your time at this institution has imitated life. For you came here knowing nothing and you will leave here knowing nothing.
We are pleased that we had a hand in teaching you this profound life lesson.
We encourage you to remember the words of the Danish philosopher and theologian, Soren Kierkegaard: “I stick my finger in existence – it smells of nothing: Where am I? Who am I? How came I here? What is this thing called the world? What does this world mean? Who is it that lured me into the world?”
So in closing, in the future, if you are so lucky as to have something, and, like Kierkegaard, you stick your finger into this life and you smell a big bunch of nothingness, and you like the smell of nothing, then I encourage you to bundle up all your something and give it to this fine (a. ______ Elementary School; b. ______ High School; c. ______ College; d.______ University; e. Babble/Duolingo/Rosetta Stone)..
Congratulations, and…
Thanks for nothing!
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