My War on Ageism
I must admit, I am a little miffed as I write this.
I am seething.
I am mad, angry, apoplectic.
I am hurt.
Another year has gone by and yet again, I have not made a single “40 Under 40” list!
In years past, this slight did not bother me. I thought that “40 Under 40” meant that you had to be one of 40 people who weigh under 40 pounds to gain this recognition and make the list.
But when I looked at the pictures of the 40, I don’t see a single person who could have possibly weighed so little.
I am working on being more self-disciplined, and have lost about 25 pounds over the past several years. I have kept the weight off, despite my affinity for foods that end in the letter “o” (Burrito, Dorito, Eggo, Oreo, Taco, and Tostito, to name but a few).
But to lose another 145 pounds, so that I can weigh the same as a healthy 4 year old, just so I can have the attention of the world focused on me for a fleeting moment?
Nope, nada, no way. I ain’t doing it.
Pass me another Ho-Ho, please.
When I look at the pictures of the “40 Under 40”, all of them look like they are getting at least three square meals a day.
So…there must be another reason why I have not qualified for the “40 Under 40” list.
Aha! I know what it is!
Maybe to qualify for the “40 Under 40” list, you must be under 40 inches tall!
I feel a little bit better now.
When I was last 40 inches tall, I was 4 years old. It was the best of times, and it was the worst of times. On the plus side, I had a very nice lady who I called “Mom” who cooked and cleaned for me, and served as my valet. The guy named “Dad” served as my chauffeur. I never had to pay for a meal. Everyone laughed at my jokes. I didn’t snore. I had free laundry service.
Yes, I got mauled by a dog, but it only happened once.
But those fresh, shiny faces on the “40 Under 40” list…they look like they are much taller than 40 inches tall.
I have decided to fight this blatant display of ageism, body shaming, and height prejudice by inventing my own exclusive list.
To borrow and bastardize a saying by the wonderful Michelle Obama, “If they go under, I will go over!”
Welcome to “Rich Perkey’s 60 Over 60” list!
My “60 Over 60” will include 60 men and women, all over the age of 60, who meet a set of stringent requirements for making the list. These include:
60 people over 60 years of age who do not utilize the article “the” in front the noun “Google” as in the sentence, “I couldn’t remember how to make this casserole, but I went and found it on The Google.”
60 men and women who have eaten at least 60 casseroles over the past 60 years.
60 men and women who brag to 60 people daily that their successful “Wordle” streak has stretched to 60 consecutive days.
60 men and women who leave for a doctor’s appointment at least 60 minutes before its scheduled start time, so that they can fill out the 60 pages of HIPPA forms.
Dammit!
I am still a little miffed and put out.
I am still seething.
I am still mad.
I can’t even make my own “60 Over 60” list!
Better luck next year.
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