Hail To Me!
Happy President’s Day Eve to all of you!
If you are like me, your heart is bursting with anticipation of the greatest of federal holidays! What can be more exciting than celebrating the career accomplishments of Benjamin Harrison, Franklin Pierce, and Herbert Hoover?
In our family, we like to start off President’s Day Eve with an evening of music by The Execu-Tones – the band comprised of the ghosts of presidents who were musically inclined, such as:
Tommy “Rooster” Jefferson on the cello!
Johnny “Don’t Call Me Steven!” Tyler and Abe “This Ain’t No Time To Fiddle” Lincoln on the violin!
John Quincy (Jones) Adams on the flute!
Chester A. “Plucker” Arthur on the banjo!
Ronnie “Blow Hard” Reagan on the harmonica!
“Little” Richard Nixon on the accordion!
Wild Bill “I Thought It Was a Sexaphone” Clinton on the sax!
Harry “Fleet Fingers” Truman on the piano,
And finally … Franklin “New Deal” Roosevelt on the vocals!
There is a rumor that Taylor and Travis will leap onstage when The Execu-Tones bang out “Hail To The Chief(s)” and “(You’ve Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party),” the latter of which was a favorite of Teddy Roosevelt!
Next, my family and I will trim the President’s Day tree. Of course, the tree that we cut down is a cherry tree, in honor of George Washington. Boy, were our neighbors hacked off when I cut down their cherry tree!
But, like George, I cannot tell a lie.
When confronted, my neighbor asked me, “Is that our cherry tree?” to which I replied, “It depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is!”
On the big day itself, our family traditions vary depending on which party is in power. Because they get so little appreciation, I like to put on a wig (get it?) and party like William Henry Harrison, Zachary Taylor, and Millard Fillmore, our great Whig presidents. Then, we all PPP, in honor of the $800 million in loans that were granted by the Trump administration through the Payroll Protection Plan.
When Republicans are in the White House, we like to give each other a big wad of cash that we don’t need, which represents the inevitable tax cut that comes when you become president and haven’t won the popular vote (the thinking is that giving a big wad of cash to people will make you more popular.)
When Democrats make it into the White House, I fill up the bathtub with water, and lie in it for the rest of the day, which symbolizes “Soak the Rich (Perkey).”
What President’s Day would be complete without the President’s Day feast? Huge, heaping portions are piled on our plates, in honor of William Howard Taft, our most rotund president, who tipped the scales at a whopping 335 lbs! We have sauerkraut, which was the favorite of our 15th president, James Buchanan, and squirrel soup, the short-lived favorite of James Garfield. For dessert, we stuff ourselves on ImPeach pie, in dishonor of our 17th president, Andrew Johnson.
In between meals, we nosh on George Herbert Walker Bush’s favorite – Pork Rinds! This helps answer the question I have always had – what do you do with the savings when you put an end to “pork barrel politics”?
Answer – YOU EAT IT!
By this time, you have pretty much honored the presidents so much that you want to throw up.
So naturally, I take to my cell phone and start firing off text messages, asking for money that will pay for next year’s President’s Day celebration.
I am in favor of expanding those honored on President’s Day to include anyone who has ever been a president of anything.
That way I, R. Corydon Perkey, who served a one-year term as President of the Student Government Association at Brookville High School in Lynchburg, Virginia, can be honored by every American…
Instead of just myself.
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